Nothingness
I grew up with a family that had secrets. Substance abuse, domestic violence, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse are the kind of secrets that cultivate deep shame and embarrassment. While most of my peers, were trying to figure out their core identity, what they enjoyed what they didn’t. I spent all of my energy as an adolescent trying to keep quiet. Trying to mask the reality that was sitting just beneath the surface. Trying to keep the family shame from spilling out of me into the light for all to see. As much as I wanted the torment to stop, my need to survive strangled out my need to be heard. The way a strangler fig hushes its host tree, curling and closing in around it. Competing for resources, until there is no light left to reach for. Leaving nothing but an empty shell, a reminiscent cavity of where the tree once occupied. With no voice and no sense of identity, I used the mechanisms of appeasement and camouflage to withstand the elements of life. When I found myself in a fos